Dealing with Difficult People
By Dr. Robert Bakss
Exodus 32:1-32 is a very familiar passage of scripture. Chapter 32 takes place right after Moses comes down from the mountain top of Mt. Sinai, having just received the Ten Commandments from the Lord.
There are three times in the Scriptures where we find the finger of God writing. Firstly, He writes on the tables of stone when He gives the law. Secondly, He writes on the wall in the palace when the Babylonian kingdom is guilty and found wanting. And thirdly, He writes on the floor of the temple granting forgiveness.
In the first instance of God writing we find that while Moses is up on the mountain receiving the commandments, the people are below breaking them. Upon descending from the mountain, having been away from the people for 40 days and 40 nights, Moses heard the sounds of sin in the camp. His understudy Joshua thought it was the sound of war. Yet, Moses had already been informed by God that the people had slipped into sin while he was gone. It was clear that the children of Israel had corrupted themselves. Evidently, the people were restless in the absence of their leader. But their faithfulness needs to be to God, not to Moses. In this time of betrayal Aaron fashioned a golden calf. But, why a calf? They had just come from Egypt and Egyptians worshipped ,amongst other things, the bull. Yet, even more strangely Aaron puts an altar to the Lord in front of it! However, we shouldn’t be too surprised, as many churches are trying to reconcile the world and God, and instead end up serving two masters as they ineffectively straddle the fence. Due to their actions Israel at this stage is now living in open idolatry, and idolatry always leads to immorality. We see this in v6 when they rose up to play – and we can be sure it wasn’t chess or checkers or monopoly. The camp had turned into one giant nightclub of debauchery, as the air was filled with sounds of wicked revelry; a scene full of dancing and nakedness.
As a result, God in his extreme displeasure and wrath intended to kill them all and start over with Moses. It’s at this point we wonder how tempting God’s offer must have been. The Lord’s wrath was waxing hot (v10) and he calls the people ‘stiffnecked’. We only see this word 6 times in the Old Testament and once in the New Testament, yet it always refers to Israel! Notice God says to Moses “Thy” people (v7), yet Moses says – “No, they are THY people” (v11).
Have you ever done that with your kids? Sometimes after some particularly infuriating or insensitive action of theirs, my wife says, “Look what your son has done!” Yet, this was a test to reveal the heart of Moses. He demonstrated that he had a love for the people – even the difficult ones. Furthermore, Moses’ love led him to pray and plead with God for a rebellious and stubborn people. Due to Moses’ interceding on Israel’s behalf, we see that God changed His mind.
You and I must never forget that prayer changes things. It has well been said that ‘prayer moves the hand that moves the world.’ I don’t think it was WHAT Moses prayed that changed God’s mind, but it was HOW he prayed. It didn’t matter to God what the Egyptians thought (v12). Pray from the heart and you’ll touch the heart of God. Some people get all confused by this account, yet we must take note that the Lord changed his mind, not His character (v14). Instead of arguing the theology of this passage we should simply accept that prayer can change the mind of God. This is a momentous and privileged reason to plead with God. Interestingly enough, after his intercession with God and upon seeing the behaviour for himself, Moses took over. He got angry (v19,22).
Moses came stomping down the mountain, vein’s popping out of his forehead like a knotted rope, wheezing and puffing in fury, breath coming out of his teeth instead of his nose! Alongside him, Joshua thought there was a battle, but Moses had heard this type of noise before. I can just imagine his eyes aflame as he sees the calf, and his temper rises further as he again has to deal with this ‘difficult people’. Moses came to Aaron in nervous apprehension. 3000 peopel dies because of this sin.
Moses then went to plead with God (v30-32.) Notice the heart of Moses (v30-32) and the (—) after “sin” and the (;). The dash in that verse is likely a pause, a speechless moment; perhaps a moment of tears. Tears are a language God understands.
Through this event Moses became proficient in dealing with difficult people. We mustn’t forget that Moses was constantly fighting the feeling of disappointment. He was an authority on how to deal with disappointment. No man put up with more complaining or lack of appreciation as did Moses. I think it was the favourite pastime of the Israelites. They loved to complain. They loved to criticize. They loved to gripe. In response God extended their time in the desert. They wandered for forty years, and died in the desert, all because they were complainers. They were very quick to criticize their leader. If you study the book of Exodus, you will see they questioned Moses’ motives, they doubted his decisions, and they challenged his leadership.
Moses had several confrontations with difficult people. Pharaoh was a difficult man (Exod 5:1-2). The people of Israel were murmurers (Exod 16:1 -17:1). His wife had contentions with him (Exod 4:25,26). His own family had problems with him (Num 12:1-2). He also dealt with troublemakers within the nation (Korah, as seen in Numbers 16:1-4).
In life there are often disagreements between workmates, neighbours, employers and employees, friends and family and children, because of generational differences. How can we handle the disagreements in life? How can we deal with difficult people? How do we treat people who become our enemy? Conflicts will arise; this is as sure as tomorrow’s sunrise. Until Jesus splits the eastern sky to come and get us, conflict between us is an absolute certainty. There is never peace among the living. If you want peace, you’ll have to go to the cemetery to find it. We need to know how to live with conflict and difficult people, disgruntled people, and those who call you an enemy. Conflict destroys the unity of the church. It destroys our witness in the community. It destroys our ability to hear God’s still, small voice. Finally, conflict invites Satan into the church. “The devil loves to fish in troubled waters.”
We need to learn to practice what Jesus said in Matthew 5:43-48. When you have a situation with difficult people, there is a chance to practice the Word of God. Everything Jesus said to do, Moses faced. Everything Jesus says to do, we will face.
We must Forget Vengeance – Love our Enemies – Exod 23:4-5
Notice that the law of God is to love your enemy. This has to do with a heart attitude, as the old nature is all about getting even. We think: “He/she deserves it”, or “They had it coming”. Here in the middle of giving legalistic instructions we find love!
How many Australians would give assistance to one of their enemies? We must forget vengeance if we are going to deal with difficult people. 1 Thessalonians 5:15 says “See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men.” Jesus tells us to love our enemies. We ought to live with the attitude that we don’t have any enemies. People may see me as an enemy, but I do not have to consider them my enemy. Paul tells us how to treat our enemies in Romans 12:19 “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” Romans 12:20-21 “Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.”
What is vengeance? Vengeance is premeditated. Vengeance is nursed for a long time. Vengeance is well thought out and and well planned. When we’re planning vengeance, the only place we want to bury the hatchet is in our enemy’s back. We are not to bury the hatchet with the handle sticking out!
We must Forgo Retaliation – Bless them that Curse You - Numbers 12:1-16
How do we react when someone attacks us? Miriam and Aaron got personal with Moses as family will. We retaliate because we get offended. God sorted out the problem with His Word (Num 12:6). If we stay in the Word we will get less offended. Psalm 119:165 says “Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them.” We need to stay in the Word as it convicts, corrects, helps and instructs us. If God’s Word doesn’t cut us to the quick, we’re not reading it enough! A farmer didn’t like the sermons preached on hell. He said, “Preach about the meek and lowly Jesus.” The preacher said, “Where do you think I got my information about hell?”
We need to stick with the Holy Word of God. The Word of God will help you, ‘Bless them that Curse you.’ It humbles me, it reveals me and it convicts me. When the Lord Jesus was reviled, he reviled not 1 Peter 2:21-22 “For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth:” 1 Peter 2:23 “Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously:” We must forgo retaliation. Notice, Moses asked God to bless his sister. Retaliation destroys everyone involved.
We must Forsake Bitterness – Do Good to them that Hate You – Exodus 15:22-27
The children of Israel had just crossed the Red Sea and they came to a place of bitter water called ‘Marah’. Moses cut down a tree and cast it in the water, making it sweet. He then took them to Elim – a place of blessings. At marah they could not drink its water because it was bitter. “Marah” means “bitter”. God took them to a place of bitter waters and they get bitter. What a short memory Israel had. It was just three days after the Red Sea miracle, and at the very first sign of trouble they were again doubting, and criticizing. Their motto was “When in doubt, grumble against Moses.” It’s amazing how quickly people forget what you’ve done for them, how you’ve given for them, how you’ve served them, or how you’ve helped them. It’s human nature to think, “What have you done for me lately?” Children forget what their parents have done for them. Bosses forget what their employees have done for them. Spouses take each other for granted. Church members take their pastors for granted. It’s a fact of life.
In this story they say, “You just brought us out here to die.” Moses, as the typical leader, says, “Is this the thanks that I get? I’ve led you out of Egypt. I’m leading you into the Promised Land and all you can do is criticize, judge me, and be upset.” In times like these it is important to remember not to take it personally, feel sorry for yourself, and certainly not to allow it to make you negative. Moses could have done this, but he didn’t.
Anger stored up becomes resentment. That is always wrong. To feel angry at somebody who has disappointed us, the Bible says, only hurts us. It doesn’t change the situation. Job 18:4 “He teareth himself in his anger: shall the earth be forsaken for thee? and shall the rock be removed out of his place?”
Moses dealt with his people by doing good and thus showed his sweetness. He asked God to help and God showed him a tree. The solution was there all the time. God showed him a piece of wood. He threw it into the water and then the water became sweet. God had provided the solution that was there all the time. Notice it doesn’t say that God created a piece of wood. It was already there. The problem that many of us have, is that we get so caught up in the disappointments that we don’t see that the solution is right there before our eyes. God can show us something that will turn bitterness into sweetness.
If we’re going to be steadfast in Christianity, we’ve got to learn how to deal with people’s hatred and bitterness toward us. Failure to deal with bitterness has derailed many. We must forsake bitterness as it will eat us up. Hebrews 12:14-15 “Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;” Bitterness destroys us from the inside out. That’s why Paul tells us to seek God’s grace.
We must Forgive one another – Pray for them that Despitefully Use you – Numbers 21:5-7
How did Moses handle his enemies? He prayed for them. Moses was a man of forgiving prayer. Deuteronomy 9:20 “And the LORD was very angry with Aaron to have destroyed him: and I prayed for Aaron also the same time.” Deuteronomy 9:26 “I prayed therefore unto the LORD, and said, O Lord GOD, destroy not thy people and thine inheritance,…”
Jesus has told us to pray for those who have spite against us. Pray for those who harass us. To do this is not natural; it is supernatural. Only with God’s help can we do it. As we read the life of Moses, when people had something against him, he would fall on his face before God (Numbers 16:1-4). When Korah tried to spilt the church he fell on his face. Moses prayed for the people and God forgave them.
People will use you, abuse you, despise you. Your response is to forgive them. The notorious Hatfield-McCoy feud hit USA newspaper front pages in the 1880s, when the Hatfield clan feuded with the McCoy clan from across the border in Kentucky. Historians disagree on the cause of the feud, which captured the imagination of the nation during a 10-year run. Some cite Civil War tensions: McCoys sympathized with the Union, Hatfields with the Confederacy. Others say it began when the McCoys blamed the Hatfields for stealing hogs. As many as 100 men, women and children died. In May 1976, Jim McCoy and Willis Hatfield — the last two survivors of the original families — shook hands at a public ceremony dedicating a monument to six of the victims. So many times the feud continues long after the reasons are forgotten. Why or who’s to blame is not important. Our job is to forgive.
When Leonardo da Vinci was painting the Last Supper, he had an intense, bitter argument with a fellow painter. Leonardo was so enraged that he decided to paint the face of his enemy into the face of Judas. That way the hated painter’s face would be preserved for ages in the face of the betraying disciple. When Leonardo finished Judas, everyone easily recognized the face of the painter with whom Leonardo quarrelled. Leonardo continued to work on the painting. But as much as he tried, he could not paint the face of Christ. Something was holding him back. Leonardo decided his hatred toward his fellow painter was the problem. So he worked through his hatred by repainting Judas’ face, replacing the image of his fellow painter with another face. Only then was he able to paint Jesus’ face and complete the masterpiece.
Forgiveness is an easy word to use, but a hard word to practice. Forgiveness is a message we probably need to hear every month, and something we all need to practice constantly. Forgiveness is the one thing in life that helps us move forward. Whenever we refuse to forgive we stop making forward progress – we start backsliding. We need to experience the freedom of forgiveness. Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment. It is also the key that unlocks the handcuffs of bitterness. Some people might say, “I forgive you”, but they haven’t done so, to thus free you. That’s not forgiveness. What they mean is they will file it away for future reference. Maybe they will use it for leverage against you. If they take offence again at you, they will use the past against you. We should not have filing cabinets for forgiven sins. Think of how God forgives us, and in turn how we ought to forgive others. Forgiveness calls sin, sin, and in many ways it holds the sinner accountable for their actions. Yet, forgiveness also says, “You hurt me, and what you did was wrong, but I will not hold it against you, I will not try to get back at you and I will not hate you for it.” Forgiveness is releasing your right of retaliation; giving up your claim to get even. Forgiveness is not just saying “Alright, alright, I won’t retaliate”, but forgiveness is to surrender your claim to retaliate. “Every person should have a special cemetery lot in which to bury the faults of friends and loved ones.” When someone sins against us and hurts us we can either demand justice, desire revenge, or want to get even. If this doesn’t happen we get bitter and angry; or we can die to self, die to our desire for revenge or justice and forgive them by going to the cross. When we don’t forgive we take the payment of the pain. Yet, if we choose to forgive, as God forgave us, we will be free from resentment, bitterness and anger.
Forgiveness is not for the other person’s benefit, it is for our benefit. If there is someone in our life or past who has hurt us, then forgive them and be free. There is a strange power in forgiveness, in that we are freed from the desire for justice and revenge. Too many Christians harbour resentment, bitterness and grudges. Some never forgive past hurts, whether it be a parent, preacher or friend. Forgiveness is not weakness; rather it is the first step towards hope, happiness and freedom. It has well been said that you can get better or bitter. Forgive quickly as God forgives you. Ephesians 4:31-32 “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”
Note the motive our forgiveness – “for Christ’s sake” (v32.) Why did God forgive us? – “for Christ’s sake”, not ours. We forgive others for “Christ’s sake” not theirs. If God is perfect and he forgave us, why can’t we forgive others. Some say, “I just can’t forgive my mother” or “I just can’t forgive my husband.” That’s a lie. They can forgive, but they just won’t forgive, because that unforgiving spirit is a weapon of control over the other person. Sometimes we get ‘high’ on hate. We pour our toxic poison into the veins of friends and families and God is telling us today, “STOP IT!”
When you forgive, always forgive and forget. Why should we forgive others? “For Christ’s sake.” A Pastor was called to a home where a mother had died suddenly. When the pastor arrived at the home they would not allow him to comfort them. Something had happened in the past and they just didn’t want to talk about it. He asked the funeral director what had happened. The Funeral Director said when this woman died he was called to retrieve the body from a motel room. He had to wait for the husband and son to come into the motel room and identify the body. The husband walked into the motel room knowing full well what his wife had done. At the funeral the custom of that area was an open casket and people filed by. Finally only the son and father were there as the Pastor watched from the pulpit. The son bent over into the casket and said goodbye to his lifeless mother’s body. Finally, the husband came by and reached into his pocket and pulled out her wedding band that she had left at the home. He picked up her lifeless finger as he had done years before at the marriage altar, and the pastor said he saw him slip the ring back onto her ring finger. As he bent over into the casket he said “I forgive you”. She couldn’t respond to him; she couldn’t say “I’m sorry I’ve broken your heart”; she couldn’t undo what she had done, but he said, “I forgive you”.
When was the last time you really loved your enemies?